Angst in my Pants

If you were to strip me naked to my blogging core, you would have found me a whiner, and an emo freak. No thanks to diaryland and motime, they deleted my previous online journals, but I guess God didn’t want me to keep reading all that excess baggage of the past.

My previous journals were an outlet for me. I’m not very confrontational, and if you do find me confrontational, we must be really close. I dont stand out in crowds either, my gift is personal relationships. My friend Kiko told me that once, that it was my gift-building intimate relationships.

That is why I started blogging, or writing journals, as we called it in the past. Its where I used to confront myself, face my rants, anxieties, where I try to make sense of my life, back in the days when I was going through adolescence.

But with the recent rise of blogs, I feel I am more naked, exposed. Previously, its only my friends who read my crap entries. Now my name pops up in the search engines and admittedly sometimes I look for ways to increase my traffic.

So I realize that this is not a personal blog anymore, not personal in a sense that people are more aware of online diaries and I dont want a lot of negative things to end up before their eyes. I think it also comes with age (oh, brother), that I am, or at least trying to be less volatile of what I say, do and eventually write. But I hope you do spare me an occasionally rant. This is after all, still my blog.

I have some alone time to spare and be with my thoughts today and here are some stuff I’ve dealt with (in my head)

1. There was some tension with two co-workers today, tension so thick a knife would not cut it. I was trying so hard to be objective but ended up exhausted. Its hard to to try not be affected when really you’re annoyed. I was praying that God will guide through my reactions, I want to be a good witness at work, and not to be part of the mean team.

2. A doctor asked me today why am I working in something that is beyond my specialization. Something like, “Eh, pedia ka pero bakit ka nandito?”. I was offended, like I couldn’t hold my own practice and had to settle to being employed somewhere a little non medical, at least a little less medical than a hospital. For some doctors, its either the hospital or nothing. Either your specialization or nothing.

Truth be told, and I recently shared this with my marriage care group, I took my second job because I want to be there for my son, see his milestones and spend much time with him as I can before he grows up suddenly. Its a career choice I made. I chose to be a part time pediatrician-for now. And frankly, my practice is doing well, well enough for someone just starting.

I believe that this second job is a huge blessing given by God, it allowed me to have a very light work schedule with a constant source of income. In the future, I hope to use the income from this job to buy me hospital stocks. And if God will take it away, I will welcome it, because I know He’s got my back (translate:bigger and better things are yet to come!)

I dont know why I had to explain myself, but I guess that is how a doctor is built-built to always have to prove yourself. I cant shake the feeling of inadequacy, I’ll just have to pray and sleep on it.

3. The smallest rant of all-our microwave broke and I will have to buy a replacement first before a camera huhu.

Hope your day went well. Hopefully no more rants soon! Back to happy thoughts!

TBBMD

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